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Today the strong will. Oh, that strong will.
The will that someday will give birth to courage. The courage that you will need to help you stand through the tough things. The God-given will that will help you to fight for what is right, even if you fight alone. The will that comes attached to the spirit of a precious little one. Whom is entrusted to a flawed mama. To shape, and curve, and lead in the right direction. This will has left me exhausted to my bones.
The house bears the wounds of the wars of today. The battle lines clearly drawn. The outfit you didn’t want to wear, the nap you didn’t want to take, the dinner you didn’t want to eat, the school you didn’t want to do, the brother you insisted on pestering. All battle lines you drew and I won, at great emotional cost, while time flew cackling out the window. All battles I won, decisively, while every fiber of my being screamed for relenting. I have determined to stand my ground so you hold my words to be true, so I am worthy of the respect I expect from you.
I stood my ground today because you need me to. You need me to be the strong, ever steady, never-changing example. I introduced you to Christ Jesus, the unwavering Rock on which you can stand. I spoke His words to you. I chose not to yell or lose my cool, even when my lid threatened to spew off, I held it down. I held it together. I stood firm on the Rock you will lean on someday.
Now you are sleeping peacefully. The fierce little body succumbed to my night song humming and I can hear your deep, dreaming breaths. I wonder if you know how much stronger you are than I am. Do you know? Can you sense it? Is that why you fight me so?
Your fierceness makes my complacency tremble. Your strong will would have driven my compliant spirit to give in, to let you win, to keep the peace. But I know better. I know you are destined to speak up when all else remains quiet. To fight for the weak and the voiceless. To stand for those downtrodden. To be the strength that drives the complacent to action, with your words and your bravery and your unrelenting will.
Someday these battles will be worth it. Some day the tiredness in my bones will come to fruition and bring dividends aplenty. Today we are fighting the battles that will drive you to be who God made you to be, the battles of these years will pay off. Someday.
Lord give me the strength to keep fighting her battles. To keep fighting until they are all forever won. To keep praying for your guidance as we minister to her strong, tiny spirit. That we will successfully curb her giant will to the direction of your leading. To heed the guidance you will give her, as she will fight much greater battles than which socks to wear. These great battles that she’s destined for.
Someday, today’s battles will be over and she will be strong enough to do all that He has called her to. But today I can feel the aching exhaustion in my bones. Much too tired to sleep. So I will write you this letter, as you peacefully snore and the happenings of the raging wars of the day hammer through my mind.
Sleep and I will remember the dearness of tomorrow’s sweet victory that I am fighting for.