Our story:
We have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year. We have three kids already, and this is not something I have ever had to wait or try so hard for ever before. We have seen doctors and had tests run, and everything is saying we shouldn’t have a problem getting pregnant.
After 11 months of this, being three days late didn’t seem odd. It definitely didn’t seem pregnant, as that was not on our radar. This was the first month we stopped trying. There was only one occurrence that could even lead to pregnancy, and the timing wasn’t great so I had already written it off.
We were on a beach-side vacation, and having an amazing time. I was in the car reading a book (my fav thing to do!) while my toddler napped. I was watching my husband swim with our children in the calm waves of our favorite island location. They were laughing and having fun, and it made my mama heart so happy to watch.
It was in that moment that I felt a still small voice tell me that I was pregnant. (Say what!?!?)
I was shocked and elated, and wanted to not believe it to save myself disappointment, but I just knew that I was pregnant.
We stopped by a Walmart to get some supplies on our way home from the beach, and my husband decided to stay in the car while I ran in. Perfect time to take a test! I knew what it was going to say before the glorious lines showed up, and as soon as it was positive I knew I couldn’t wait to tell my husband.
I bought the first card I saw with pink and blue animals, and wrote the number 4 with a sweet message about how good God is and some other lovey dovey stuff (I will spare you those details 😉 I knew he would know what it meant) and tried to keep it together while I walked out to the car to show him. As soon as I handed him the card, I lost it. Happy, ugly crying proceeded and he was very confused! Haha! 🙂
As soon as he saw the colored animals, he knew. It was a blur of so much unexpected excitement, and was the absolute highlight of our vacation. The next days were filled with baby talk. How we were going to tell our family, baby names, and due date. It was a wonderful, happy time. A false calm before a storm ravages everything you have.
A couple weeks later, we were making the 18 hour drive home. I had some aches in my joints that usually happens the day before I start my period, but I chalked it up to being cramped in the car and stretching about getting stuff to occupy and feed the kids.
We stopped for gas a few hours later and I noticed some spotting. It wasn’t an alarming amount, and I had experienced this with my first pregnancy, so I tried to tell myself it was probably fine. My husband was reassuring as well, but I started questioning everything. I hadn’t been as ill this pregnancy. I had tried to think that it was because I had finally gotten this pregnancy thing down, and I remembered to eat regularly. But I hadn’t felt much morning sickness ill the past couple days. This pregnancy didn’t feel as pregnant as it should.
We made the rest of the drive home and the bleeding stopped, which of course gave me hope. Google was full of stories of bleeding pregnancies ending in happy babies, giving additional false since of hope. I knew what was happening, but I clung to the hope the stories gave.
Surely the Lord had made us wait all this time, for this baby. Surely He wouldn’t give us this long awaited blessing, just to take it away.
The morning brought a flow of bleeding, so I called the midwifes. They had me come in for a scan and bloodwork. Ultrasound confirmed our worst fears. A mostly empty womb with possibly the remains of a bloody sac. Our baby was already lost.
I managed not to loose it in the office. A few tears were shed while the finality and helplessness of what was occurring sank in, but my head kept saying, hold it together. Don’t be an blubbering idiot. You can make it to the car, and then loose it. Hold it together until then.
So I did. I was going to hold it together until I got into the car. Then I would let it go and NEVER tell anyone about this horrid day.
The minute I stepped into the car, my phone rang. God’s providence prevails in the midst of our worst days.
My friend was driving by on the interstate and recognized my hair and dress. What are the odds!?!? Because she had seen me outside of a birthing center, she knew I must be pregnant. Because I told her of our loss, I could tell others. I realized that our family had lost someone too, even if they didn’t realize they had someone else to loose.
…..
I always know what the sex of my babies will be for some reason. God always allows me to just know. For our third my husband convinced me to sway my original opinion, but my first gut instinct has always, always been accurate.
This time I knew it was a girl. The sister my 5 year old daughter prays for every night. The daughter my husband and I would love to have. Now, all hopes of the life we were joyfully anticipating was already gone. In the arms of Jesus, which is the only peace we find.
We gave her a name, but didn’t want to say goodbye. It wasn’t until the horrible labor like cramps ended in the passage of tissue and clots, that the horrific truth hit me. This is what labor and delivery feels like when it is much, much too early.
Even through the pain, I am so very grateful that the Lord saw fit to bless us with this baby. Even though she was only alive a number of weeks, she was loved and wanted and prayed for.
We rest in the blessed assurance of His promises to us, and take comfort in knowing who holds our baby, even if we can’t be the ones to do the holding ourselves.
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Tiffany
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