Imagining how badly something hurts, and actually experiencing it are two vastly different things.
We recently miscarried our baby during the first trimester of my pregnancy. We have been struggling to get pregnant for almost a year, so this has been an extra heart-breaking experience. Everyone seems to worry about it, but no one talks about what actually happens or how it feels. So I have compiled a tear stained list of what I wish someone would have told me before I experienced it.
This is raw, and honest, and maybe a little more gruesome than we are comfortable discussing. Maybe this is why we never utter the ugly truths of miscarriage to one another.
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It hurts. Bad.
Obviously you expect to feel some emotional pain after loosing a pregnancy, but no one prepares you for the pregnancy-hormonal trainwreck that occurs in your heart. It is something you can empathize with the idea of, but can’t fully understand unless you have walked through the experience of it all. No one prepares you for the horrible labor cramps that occur either. I am not sure if it hurts your heart worse or your abdomen. It isn’t just a “bad period.” These are horrid labor pains followed by the removal of what is left of your hopes and dreams. No one warned me.
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You deliver a baby, no matter how far along you were.
Maybe it is a first trimester miscarriage common stance, but no one tells you to expect to feel the baby coming out. Even when there was only a tiny amout of time for a baby to start forming, the tissues all come out. It was shocking, and devastating to feel labor contractions that cease once everything is out. I wish someone had better prepared me for this, and I feel like an idiot for not thinking about this before it was happening. (Being raw and honest here, remember?) No one warned me.
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It’s losing a child.
People say a lot of things, and they may even have the audacity to tell you that it wasn’t a baby, or that it wasn’t your child. Words don’t change the truth of what occurred or what happened to you. You were pregnant, and he or she was your baby. Do whatever you need to do to let your baby go. Ours was too early to know what the sex was definitively, but we felt like we knew from the beginning. I needed to name her, so I could fully hand her over to the Lord, so we did. If all you can give your baby in a few weeks of life is a good name, or a ceremony, or releasing balloons, or saying goodbye out loud, do it. No one warned me.
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No one knows what to say about this kind of loss, prepare yourself.
You have probably heard this one before, or even experienced it if you have experienced any kind of loss. But this one feels worse. A miscarriage feels lonely and silent. When people do speak, it is rarely to say anything helpful. It is because most of them don’t know how it feels. People generally mean well, and are trying to ease the burden of your grief. Sometimes you have to hear what they mean, and not the actual words they are saying. They are trying to tell you that they are sorry, and they wish you didn’t have to go through this. However, this sometimes comes out as: this awful, horrid, gut wrenching occurrence “Was meant to be,” “At least you know you are not infertile,” or my personal favorite: “This is God’s way of saying you shouldn’t be pregnant right now.” They mean well, they mean well, they mean well. No one warned me.
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Not telling anyone you are pregnant, to avoid the pain of explaining a miscarriage is
STUPIDnot the best plan.Have you ever asked someone who was pregnant how they were feeling or if they think their baby will be a boy or a girl, only to find out they had been experiencing the loss of a miscarriage? At work, and in front of everyone? I have. It feels so sorrowfully awful, that I decided I never wanted to have to be the person that awkwardly answers that they are no longer pregnant. So I made a vow to not tell anyone that I was pregnant during the first trimester that I wouldn’t want to tell about a miscarriage. This was a terrible idea. Going through a miscarriage is lonely and isolating enough, you need the support of those around you. Never again will I keep the joy to myself for fear of loss. No one warned me.
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You may long to hold your baby.
Grief is a funny thing. Sometimes you are finally feeling okay when it hits you square in the face. The worst grief I have experienced while walking through the grief of miscarriage is the longing to hold the child you will never be able to hold on this earth. No one told me, but I am so thankful that I know the One who holds her. <3
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